Forgiving the Guilty

When you’ve done something wrong, how eager are you to get the issue out in the open and begin the healing process? Is your degree of eagerness the same in every case? Or does it depend on the circumstance?

My guess is that it depends on the circumstance. Speaking for myself, I know I have an easier time apologizing for something I did wrong if what I did is already out in the open. The need to apologize is almost instinctual if I see the harm I caused and see the pain in another’s eyes. But it’s not always as easy to fess up to something that no one took notice of. There’s the dilemma of whether revealing the matter is worth the pain that may result from the confession. After all, if nobody knows what I did, and nobody was harmed by it, what’s the worry?

The worry is guilt. Even a small amount of guilt can interfere with how we feel about ourselves. When we carry guilt, we carry ourselves differently. Our joy decreases. We feel less than worthy of the goodness around us. Guilt can only be ignored for so long before it interferes in our relationships. Out of a sense of shame, we distance ourselves from the person or people we are hiding our guilt from, and so we end up failing them twice, compounding both the mistake and the guilt.

So, in remembering your own mistakes and failings, do you have a little more empathy for the guilty? How hard is it for people to approach you when they have offended you in some way? Are you a soft place to land for those who have fallen? Or are you a pane of glass that reflects shame and disappointment as they come crashing down to be wounded further by the resulting shards?

Given that forgiveness is so important both for the giver and the receiver, I believe we are at our best when we are approachable, prepared to listen with empathy and without judgment, and willing to love people even when they fail us. Even more so if we love them when they are not aware of their failings. And more so still if we love them when they seem indifferent to their failings. In other words, we are at our best when we treat others the way we want to be treated when it’s our turn at screwing up (and we all get our turn!)

Admitting mistakes is difficult enough, so it doesn’t serve us well when we give others a reason to conceal their offenses. Wounds can’t be healed until they are acknowledged and taken care of. None of us are perfect and none of us are expected to be, so we shouldn’t act as if it’s so. Forgiveness is a beautiful gift. But that gift can only be transferred when we are approachable.